Have you ever thought about the power of a really good question? Think about it: Questions have changed futures. (“Will you marry me?â€) Questions have launched revolutions. (“Shall we remain under tyranny any longer?â€) And questions, like from a gifted counselor or an insightful friend, have changed lives. (“So, what will you do in light of this?â€)
Jesus knew questions have power. That is why we hear him ask a question over 150 times in the four Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. He wasn’t asking because he was clueless. He asked questions to shine a spotlight on his listener, causing them to truly think, as well as draw them out.
That’s what a good “spotlight†question can do. It lets the other person know they are seen, they matter to you, and you want to get to know them more.
But not all questions are equal. So here are some quick tips for the type of questions you should ask to let people feel loved and seen.
1. Ask open-ended questions.
Avoid asking questions that will only get you a yes, no, or some other one-word answer. Rather, ask questions that get your conversational partner talking. Questions like, “Who all is in your family? Why did you choose your career? What do you enjoy about your job?â€
2. Ask life story questions.
Don’t stick to just surface questions like, “So how about this weather? What did you get on the test? What do you think the chances are your team makes the playoffs?†Rather, ask questions to get to know their story, “Where did you grow up? What is one of your favorite memories? Where did you two meet?â€
Sometimes, as you start hearing the facts about their life, you begin to discover certain themes, “plot twists†in their story, or dreams. And THAT’S when your relationship really starts going deeper.
3. Ask careful questions.
While Tip No. 2 encourages you to not stick to just surface questions, this tip encourages you to not plunge too deeply too quickly. It is awkward to meet someone, and within 30 seconds ask, “Who hurt you?â€
Rather, ask questions carefully and appropriately, showing them you care. Just met them? Stick with lighter questions. Worked together for years? Feel free to probe a bit deeper. A good careful question lets the other person know you are safe and aren’t trying to expose their dirt to embarrass them.
4. Answer your own questions.
I’ve noticed that people within our American culture have shifted during the past couple decades from being able to carry a conversation to not knowing how to talk with our fellow humans. So as you talk with someone, you might occasionally need to insert your own story here and there to keep the conversation moving and the friendship growing.
However, I caution you to be careful doing this. First, don’t let your friend feel like your goal is to steal the spotlight. Rather, the goal is to draw them out so the friendship can go deeper. Second, be sure your contribution to the conversation is appropriate. Don’t plunge immediately deep with a startling confession.
In conclusion, there are many hurting people in our community. Your kind questions just might help them remember that they are seen and loved. So take a risk and ask a kind, open-ended, life story question of a coworker or classmate today.
The Rev. Erin Bird is the pastor at Riverwood Church in Waverly. His email is erin@weareriverwood.org.
